(Originally appeared in Sense and Psychotherapy, Winter 2004)
Something that I noticed, and enjoyed, in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding was the role food played in the relationships between the family members, and the manner in which it symbolized how their traditions endured and evolved. Just as in most families, the act of eating took on many meanings at many different levels, and it made me think about all the different roles (both positive and negative) that food plays in my life and the lives of my clients and friends.
It’s difficult to read the newspaper without seeing repeated references to the latest research on what’s good or bad for us – statistics on childhood obesity, toxins in our fish, and pesticides in our vegetables. In bookstores, there are whole shelves simply for cookbooks and, across the aisle, even more for diet books. Are we a nation obsessed with food? Or is it just part of the human evolutionary make-up to spend a considerable amount of our time thinking about, acquiring, cooking and eating food?
Whatever the reasons, we have a complicated relationship with food. There’s an endless number of reasons for why we eat, what we eat, and how we feel about it before, during and after. Eating satisfies more than just the nutritional cravings of an empty stomach. Food operates on such a deep level, it plays a part in most of our rituals. The ‘breaking of bread’ has long symbolized the coming together of friends and family. We do more than share a meal; we exchange stories and information, laughter and tears. Close friends and family gather in the kitchen as a place of comfort and refreshment. We know without thinking that good food, like good company, nurtures the soul as well as the body.
Unfortunately, food is not always a positive force in our lives. Diets fail because they do not address the ‘whys’. They do not take into account that often when we eat, we aren’t even really hungry. We eat when we’re bored, angry, lonely, sad, happy, anxious. Our relationship with food may feel a lot safer than with people; it doesn’t ask for anything in return, never argues or disagrees, and seemingly satisfies our immediate need. Yet the needs that are not met in our human relationships translate into an unfillable emptiness. By focusing on food, eating and our weight, we avoid seeing the deep holes in our lives. Without the insight and understanding gained through careful examination, these holes just grow deeper and wider, and no amount of food can ever fill them.
Because food plays such an important part in our lives, it is not uncommon for it to come up in therapy. Many clients speak of their struggles with dieting, their conflicts with their spouse about how meals are prepared, or their concern about their kids’ eating habits. They can’t understand why they had to have that extra serving of mashed potatoes when they were already full. The more clearly we understand the reasons why we’re eating, the easier it is to make choices that enhance our physical and emotional well-being. When we use therapy to explore the role food plays in our lives, we make a conscious decision to turn the act of eating into a healthy, life-affirming event. It is a precious gift we give to ourselves.
