(originally appeared in Sense and Psychotherapy, Fall 1998)

How do we chose our partners? How can they cause so much grief and such incredible highs? What do we expect of our friendships? In what ways are we effected by our interactions with our siblings, our parents, our relatives, our children?

Relationships are fascinating. Much of my working day (and a lot of my free time!) is spent listening to people talk about their various relationships. Love and intimacy are frequent topics, and we often seem to spend even more time following the course of other people’s lives than we do examining our own. We also tend to spend a lot of emotional and psychic energy on friendships. I love to watch the drama of shifting alliances on a playground, realizing that the same scenarios play out in increasingly sophisticated forms throughout our lives.

Humans are social animals and we thrive physically and intellectually, as well as emotionally and spiritually when we are in contact with others. I’ve witnessed a great deal of pain and anger growing out of relationships, but I’m always struck by the amount of joy and happiness they can often bring.

As a therapist, one of the most common questions I’m confronted with is what’s ‘normal’ in a relationship. This is a tough question to answer. Every relationship is unique. There’s no ideal model, and no neat, linear progression. Yet, for most romantic relationships, there does seem to be a typical set of patterns. For my clients I’ve found it helpful to describe relationships in terms of typical stages, identifying challenges posed and rewards offered at each stage. When people can stand outside their experience for a moment and think about what stage their relationship falls into, they’re more able to identify its positives, as well as the work they need to do to enhance those positives and nurture the relationship as it evolves.

Here’s a typical set of stages I sometimes describe for people:

‘You’re kinda interesting, maybe I’d like to get to know you better’ “Love at first sight” is a wonderful notion, but most relationships begin much more prosaically. The first challenge is exploring for mutual interests and inclinations. This exploration itself is exciting, even fascinating.

‘You’re so wonderful, I want to be with you all the time’ Falling in love is an exhilarating experience. Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) the initial intoxication rarely lasts forever. Couples that can understand they are two separate individuals, and that differences are normal, have a better chance of successfully moving on to the next stage.

‘What do you mean you can’t meet all my needs?!’ In the midst of the inevitable disillusionment, it’s easy to cast blame. Couples that manage to see through the disappointments can rediscover the person who originally caught their interest, and find them even more enjoyable.

‘You’re not perfect, but you’re still the best thing going’ After coming securely back to Earth, it’s easy and safe to slip into complacency. It’s difficult and frightening to push forward into new territory, searching for deeper understanding and fulfillment, but the rewards can be wonderful.

‘Individual growth is good for us as a couple’ As the relationship deepens, couples in successful relationships are confronted with a wonderful paradox: individual growth enhances the relationship, and the relationship enhances individual growth. Couples mature enough to accept and encourage this growth can develop an even deeper level of intimacy.

Sometimes, I wish every relationship evolved to maturity, but that’s neither realistic nor desirable. Not every relationship is destined to succeed. Yet many that could succeed, and evolve into rewarding, fulfilling unions, run off track. One of the most difficult, and rewarding, challenges I face as a therapist is to help people recognize for themselves when to keep trying and when to… move on. Half the battle for couples is figuring out what the issues are. And yet, ironically, that challenge is also the reward. Relationships do change. They do evolve. And as they do, we grow in ways that we can barely imagine.