(Originally appeared in my newsletter, Sense and Psychotherapy, Summer 1998)
When I was pregnant with my son, I was filled with hopes and fears about my impending parenthood. I felt strongly that although I wanted a well disciplined child, I never wanted to strike or spank him. I wondered how I could raise my son in a peaceful, nonviolent, respectful environment, and still treat him with appropriate firmness and discipline. When experienced parents gave me a knowing look and the “just wait and see” speech, I was all the more determined to find methods of discipline other than corporal punishment.
Since the birth of my son, I’ve had plenty of conversations with other parents, and lots of time to think about my goals. Although I still believe spanking, slapping or striking a child is a misguided, short-term ‘solution’, I’ve also found that it’s critical to place firm, consistent boundaries around children. They need predictability and security. Weak, inconsistent limits leave them confused and anxious, and that’s when they are most likely to misbehave. Firm boundaries and fair, consistent consequences give them the safety to confidently explore new experiences and develop self discipline.
Yet, if limits and discipline are so important, why do I have such strong feelings about corporal punishment? I believe it teaches lessons directly opposed to what many parents expect. When an adult hits a child, the adult is usually angry and frustrated. S/he isn’t thinking clearly or rationally, either about what the child has done or how they should react to it. The child learns from the adult’s behavior to strike out when angry or frustrated, that it’s normal to lose control and physically hurt the people you love. In the short term the child may “shape up,” but in the long run they’ve really learned the wrong lessons. Often, they become sneaky, resentful and rebellious in response to their punishment. They respond in kind, maybe not by returning the spanks or slaps, but by acting more aggressively with siblings and peers.
Rather than resort to corporal punishment, I try to establish natural or logical consequences for misbehavior, such as taking away a toy if he can’t play with it appropriately, or giving him a time-out if he behaves aggressively. When he understands that he loses privileges if he mishandles them, he seems to have an easier time controlling his behavior. So, I try to make it as clear as possible what the consequences will be if he misbehaves. In many situations, I give him a warning, explaining how he needs to behave, and what will happen if he doesn’t. I try to be as absolutely consistent as I possibly can, so he knows what to expect if he misbehaves. Establishing firm and consistent rules also helps me maintain my self-control, making it much less likely I’ll become exasperated and lose my temper trying to figure out how to stop his misbehavior.
